Maafkan saya.....

Maaf karena saya terlalu lama membiarkanmu melewati pergantian hari tanpa cerita...
Saya bukan melupakanmu, dan melarutkan diri dibawah terik.Saya tidak menari, tidak juga bersenandung karena itu saya lakukan hanya bersamamu..

Tidak ada yang mengerti saya layaknya kamu.Melindungi saya dan memberi seekor kecil kuku kematian yang redup remang yang selalu membawa saya kembali
Bersamamu saya tidak takut menjadi hitam dan saya merasa begitu sempurna, sekalipun hanya menjadi abuabu, bukan putih.

Catatan ini tak berarti apapun dibanding kebisuan yang menyenyakan
Seperti ditopang kiloan kapas,Begitulah saya mengartikan hubungan kita…

You should know by now...

You outta know by now..love is the look in my eyes loving the way you smile
when i say..... i wish you would stay

you bring out all the youth in me, i laugh and cry out all the truth in me
i allowed...you should know by now

Haven't you felt by now? Just what it's like to belong.Knowing that certain touched
when your show... time won't give you more

You bring out all the best in me.i want to hold you till u feeling me.somehow, you should know by now...

if i can just find the word i won't be left so lonely,if you are my only...then i show you how.....

hasn't it cross your mind?
haven't you know it all the time?
honestly tell me now has it show how much love has grown

i tremble at the side of you, i want to learn to love you through and through
this time i vow....you should know by now....

Don't you think you should know by now?

Miss you and love you sweetheart!!

Things that make you..... *sigh*

Part 1

A lie.

I will love you for your honesty. Tell me everything you are thinking. Tell me everything I do wrong. Make all of your thoughts clear, illuminate all of your motives. Forget politeness, forget ambiguity, forget vulnerability. Never compromise yourself, the truth, reality. Don't pretend. I want to learn from you. I will never learn if you pretend I am doing fine. I will accept all of you. The only thing I value is the truth.

Can you be true?



Part 2

Sigh, grin. Sigh, grin.

It isn't the perfect way to experience a relationship, I know that now.

At the time, it was better then the alternative. That perhaps we weren't right together, and that truth was sinking slowing into me, I could feel it with every breath we shared, every touch and every blanket-wrestle at midnight.

I could feel it in me, like gangrene forcing itself at my heart, but I never thought of stopping it, because the only way to stop it was to cut it out, and that would hurt, and afterwards, how would I live, could I live, without a heart?

And sometimes, if you just watch the hurt work its way through your life, sometimes, sometimes it isn't so painful.

Coffee, notebooks and cigarettes was how it started. I laughed when I saw you, the ashes falling over your chin. Were you trying to make a story out of me, I asked, and you said yes, if you could, you promised, you'd write a whole series.

Well, I'm going now, so I want to know. Have you got your book now? Can you make a series?

i'm broken....

Assalamualaikum,

I'm not ok but trying my best to be ok....i'm very dissappointed with some people who are so selfish!!! They don't think about anybody's feeling but their own!! Damn it!!!

We used to be good friends...and we were so close like brothers and sisters!! We shared all the pains and happiness!!!As far as i remembered i'm the only one who trying so hard to please them!! but they have been swept away by all the attentions that been given by me...and it's so exhausting!! but no matter what i will stand up for our friendship!!

On my 35th birthday this year....only a few of my so called 'buddies' had given me a birthday wish and most of them hardly wished me a happy new year!!!We've been celebrating new year for the past 10 years and why they forgot to wish me this year? What make it so different? Just because i'm having a really great life right now? They should be proud of me then!!! but why they remain silent??

You know what? This year i've promised myself not to bother about them anymore!!! I have to live my life as it is...and i don't have to please anybody right now...i just have to take care of myself, my families and my job!!

I will fullfill my pagal life with things i love to do and i'll make sure i'll be surrounding by people who love me for me and i'm ready to give some loves to anybody who really can make me happy....He doesn't have to be rich or wealthy but at least has a job!!! hahahahhaa....seriously....

I'm welcome anybody to be my friends or lovers....and its not impossible if we could fall in love...as long as you know how to make me laugh!!! You don't have to be a joker to be my friends...all i need is a lil bit of your time and attentions...and i just need u to acknowledge me as your friends...and you don't have to buy me flowers and you don't have to sing me love songs....i just need your sincere heart and take me as i am...sometimes i'm a lil bit bitter but most of the time i can be someone that u can never imagine i can be....

If i love someone i can't tell him how i feel..but i can show him how is it like loving someone so much till its hurts...

But now i'm broken...coz you don't feel me in here ...anymore!!
There's so much to learn and no one left to fight...
i'm really broken now and i don't feel like i'm strong enuff.....

I am ready for love, Why are you hiding from me,I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love, All of the joy and the pain,And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace, Lately I've been thinking Maybe you're not ready for me, Maybe you think I need to learn maturity...
They say watch what you ask for cause you might receive But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing...

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough to prove I am ready for love

I am ready

i miss you

I miss you.

I miss your touch and your smell. Your voice telling me my bad day would end.

I miss having lunch with you. Listening to your stories and laughing, forgetting about myself.

I miss crying when you hurt, laughing when you're happy, and being down when you're sad.

It seems so long ago, that you and I could talk. You never took me for granted. So many times I blew you off to have fun, and so many times you sacraficed everything for me.

Now I'm alone. Often I sit here wondering where you are and what you're doing.

It's such a hard life most of the time that I'm not living, just surviving. This is why I want you to know that in this world where sincerity has lost its meaning, you fill my world with so much hope.

You know that I miss you and this is all I want to do. I know it doesn't sound too cool but maybe I'm in love with you. I just miss you. Yes, it's true baby, I miss you. When you walk out that door all I know is I miss you and you make me want to ask for more. I miss you, baby.

I miss the way you smile at me and how peaceful you look when you sleep
I miss the way you brush my hair and how tenderly you kiss my lips.

A day seems like two and a week seems like a month
I know I will see you soon and hear your voice sooner, but I still miss you.

Holding someone's hand is like coming home..

Assalamualaikum...

How are you today? i'm recovering from my fever and flu...Alhamdulilah...its getting better now...and suddenly i missed the feeling of being in someone arms...i missed the feeling holding someone's hand and i missed everything that i don't think i'm gonna feel that same way again.....its really a heartbreaking kan? Well, let me share with you how do i feel when someone held my hand.....

The feeling of holding someone's hand, the hand of someone you are enamoured with is amazing. The last time I held someone's hand (in that way..) I remember feeling as if electricity was going through my body. He took my hand, and looked at my palm in his. Then he took my finger and placed them to his lips and kissed them gently. I traced his lip-shape, and literally shivered. I never felt so safe, happy, and loved.

It's walking down the street, my hands in his pockets. It's in the way he looks at me and the way his smile widens. It's in the way he laughs and the word mouse. It's when I'm on his couch, wearing his socks, feet on amp and he is lost in thought, hand in hair, squeaking chair. It's sitting next to him at dinner, and he is talking to his friends, and my foot is upon his. It's in nibbling his ear, and kissing his nose.

It's in the arch of his spine and the moist film upon his skin. It's in the way his pupils dilate and the depth of his eyes; when he holds me, moving his hands over me, sculpting me. It's his scent that infuses me, the way we touch, feeling him pressing against me. It's the feeling of his hair in my hands, his breath on my neck, his fingers entwined with mine. It's in the warmth, the passion, the heat.

It's in the way he is the underlying aura of everything I do. It's in the way I think of nothing but him and the way I want to talk about nothing but him. It's in having him.

i'll remember you ...Forever!!

Assalamualaikum,

How r u? Me? busylah...so many things to do in the office and i have so many things to tell u....

These business had made me think about certain things that keeps on playing in my creative mind!!! hahahaahahaa....i can't help it laa dear.... i have to let them out!!! You know me...

This how i react when i met someone that i really like...and maybe where we started to go wrong was when we told each other so much. In the beginning, everyone sits talking for hours and doesn't realize it until they get kicked politely out of the restaurant. Is it really this late? But we didn't know when to stop that phase, to settle in. We were too excited and too willing to learn everything.

Now, I'm left not wanting to share my secrets. Or just a few, just enough to reveal me as interesting. A Girl with a Past who has Done Things. But no further.

But now, the hardest part of losing is the sense that you have been silenced, and it matters not that in this case, literally, I was. I threatened not to speak to him again and he dared me this time to do it.

I will call him. Sometime. He could be reading this. I don't withhold my words for lack of love. I want to be kind to him, and I want him to be kind to me. That not impossible. I operate on the painfully optimistic assumption that as the weather improves, it will get possible. Also, I want to be a better person when I see him again. I know he would laugh to hear me say that, but it's true.

Our memories are very convenient. They tell us what to want. I think of right things and he thinks of wrong things we did for each other. I guess I have to respect the gap in wants.

For half an hour every few months, I could be someone. I don't think you realised that, but sitting in the corridor waiting for you made me feel accepted. You would come. And even though I had to wait, several times, you always did. You didn't let me down.

I was lulled into a false sense of security. You told me you'd be there. And yes, you were. You were brilliant. I let you down, but you didn't realise it. By that point, you had too much going on in your head; it was overcrowded. I'd become a number long ago. If only I'd realised that before the last time we met.

We'd been close. We had to be; you weren't allowed to let me slip through the net. I watched you carefully to see if you treated me differently from the others. You did, but only a little. Nothing that anyone else could see.

I won't be left as debris in the river of your memory. I won't even be a pebble on its bank. You will wash me away, put me down as a mistake. I never should have happened. You did the best you could, in the circumstances. Which is why, in two years' time, you will not remember me at all.

But I'll remember you. Forever.

what am i listening today ....

i love this song by Joy Enriquez... - how can i not love u




this song too by Glen Lewis - Fall again




and this beautiful song by Amy Grant - It was Beautiful....

Love is in the ON AIR!!!

Assalamualaikum,

Sihat? Me? i'm sooooo happpyy today!!! Yeah!!! Full of love today!! And i'm so happy he called last night!!! and we talked about it and Alhamdulilah....we are cool!! We admit our mistakes and will try to save this relationship and make it the best for both of us...

The bottom line is we have to share and don't keep it to ourselves...Things getting worst when you left your other half so far behind...and you get carried away with your business..

I think things will be easier if we aren't apart..kan? He's so far away and i haven't seen him for 15days now... so even a small things can create a fight...i know this month only we fighty2 (he loves to say this) twice already..i don't wanna fight but i can't help it..i just need him to reply my sms bcoz we hardly see each other...and what i love about him , he take it cool je.. he talked to me nicely and of course by listening to his sweet voice i'm melted!! hahahha....never once i raise my voice on him..because i love him so much...and i don't wanna hurt his feeling..and never had any intentions to make him sad or mad...and i know he's trying his best to make me happy but hurt my feeling without he realised it..

But i'm so happy we talked about it and things are back to normal and i guess we became more closer after each fight!!! hahahahaahahahaa.... sometimes we need to fight eehh?

Well, today i'm going on air from 1pm - 4pm...its been a long time!! and i feel so wierd!!! hahahhahaa...wish me luck eehh....

Most important things is... i'm so happy today!!!! yippie!!!!!

ps: i love you and miss you wawa!!!

Why you make it so difficult?

Assalamualaikum,

Apa khabar? me? i'm so messed up!! really!! don't know where to start!! but i guess i don't have to make a big fuss about it..coz i know at the end of the day i'm still the only one who really make an effort to make this work..

i always remind myself that i got to be patience in everything...i have to learn how to give n take..i have to learn to be more understanding....but this is from my side...how about u? do u do the same too? i don't think so baby...Tell u what? i'm tired of everything....my chest are so heavy till i can't breath...my head are spinning like hell if i think about it...so i got to let it be then.. i guess you only appreciate my presence when i'm gone..

i don't know what to do now...can u tell me what should i do to make it work for us? i can't call you,
i can't see you,
i can't see you online,
the worst you hardly reply my sms...

i don't think i'm needed in your life anymore...i'm pretty sure you are fine without me..but i know you'll think of me...

i'm totally blank....i'm numb and i'm sad...this is not good bye but this is why you make it so difficult?

Black Wednesday....

Assalamualaikum,

Sihat? Me? I'm totally not in the mood yesterday.... i don't have heart in everything yesterday...i'm just become numb!!!

I was at Datin Seri Dato Siti Nurhaliza album launching and the event was so simple and sweet..What amazed me was the way the emcees Fetri Yahya run the event.I love his wording and i swear i hardly understand what he's saying but it does sound so nice!!!

Well, here the picture of Dato Siti and i..



One of the reason why i like Dato Siti is because ... no matter where i met her, She always remember my name!!! That's really impressive for a Diva like her!! Hope she stay humble and be strong of whatever happend in her career and life with her loves one..... amin....

Back on my Black Wednesday...i'm sad because i feel like im running a one women show..and i believe it takes two to tango baby...i'm tired of chasing you around and i'm tired of waiting for you to change and help me to make this thing work out... but i guess u just take thing for granted..

i don't wanna talk about this now....its gonna create a black Thursday pulak...got to do what i have to do....i think i've done enuff....

Sepetang di Suria FM

Assalamualaikum,

Sihat ke? Alhamdulilah...aku sihat and happy today!! Apa taknyer pagi2 dah pak arab dah call!!! call pasal nak dengar suara aku... boley?

Oklah hari ni semua orang kat ofis kecoh pasal internet down..tp mak ok jeeeerrrr!! hahahaa ... iyer laaa mak guna wifi uols!!!!

Hari ni jumpalah kengkawan wartawan yang ma-la-top!!! Serimah, Cael, Rudy Imran, Budiey dan Zee....lama tak jumpa sekali jumpa sempatlah berborak sakan....

Artis yang datang Imran Ajmain, Diana Danielle, Dafi, Nubhan and Nikki...meriahlah jugak kerana diorg bawak barang2 yang diorg nak lelong masa kat Road Tour Amal Suria FM pada 17hb Januari 2009 di MYDIN USJ jam 8pm!!!Datanglah ramai2 blh beli barang2 yang artis2 kita lelong...selain tu ada gak persembahan artis... 'mem' aku pun ada gakk.. siapa? Erra Fazira laa!!!!!

Then aku nampak Vernon datang!!! terus serang dia... 'Kau tak blh stop blogging Vernon!!!' itulah ayat pertama aku bila jumpa si Vernon ni!!!

Terkulat2 Vernon kene 'serang' dgn aku!! hahahahahaa.... Ehh betullaa aku memang tak nak Vernon stop blogging...he has all the right to write anything on his blog and he's my 'sifu' actually...yeah!! i wish i could write like him....lagipun Vernon menulis pasal artis dia and kehidupan dia..so yang ko nak sentap tu apa hal? hah!! kan mak dah marah!! hahahahahahahaa....

Well, aku harap pada Vernon supaya jgnlah stop blogging...sunyi sepi dunia bila dia tak blog lagi!! serius!!

So for Vern (panggilan manja aku pd dia) Don't u dare to stop blogging!! Keep blogging and i know a lot of people love to read your blog!!! Soo keep on blogging ehh!!!

Nah amik gambar tadi!! hahahahhaaa...



Vernon & i




Cael & i

About last night!!

Assalamualaikum,

Apa khabar? Aku sihat tapi penat sket...mlm tadi pergi kenduri Mawi & Ekin..oklah..at least this is their final reception!! hahaahha....kalau aku tak sanggup seh bersanding 3 kali 2 tahun berturut2....hahaahaha...tapi the event was so grand!!! Good for them!!! Everybody happy and enjoy themselves!!! me tooo!!!!! Ramai betul kengkawan astro!!Wuaa....missed them a lot actually!! They are very loyal to astro!! Happy for them!!! and hopefully they also happy with what they have achieved with astro!!!

I just realised that some of my friends have with astro for more than 10 years!!!Ya Allah..lama tuu!! aku keje 8 tahun je dah blah dari Astro!!! Tapi aku rasa kali ni perhijrahan aku ke SURIA FM adalah penghijrahan yang terbaik yang pernah aku buat!! hehehehhee.. So happy to be part of SURIA FM's family!!! small family but happy family!!! Yeah!!!! I LOVE being here!!!!Alhamdulilah....

Ok back to Mawi and Ekin Wedding last night!!! Decorations memang tip top la...and also table set up pun wow!!! kelasss!! Makanan je yang kurang sket..biasalaa aku memang tak gemar sangat makan kat hotel tu... lagi sedap Nikko and Shangri la!!! yummy!!

Yang menarik perhatian aku malam tu adalah Jimmy Shanley!! hehehhehehe...costume dia betul2 mengingatkan aku pak arab dari arab saudi!!! and also my pak arab too!!! Well, sib baik dia tak de!!!

And also yang best sekali...jumpa dengan kengkawan Astro!!!! Ya Allah...rindu betul dengan diorang....looking good!!!and yang best!! happy faces!! As usual...kita kat astro selalu stay happy go lucky walaupuuuunnn!!!!!

Sebut pasal Walauuppuuunn...sempatlaa jugak aku bertegur sapa dgn kakak angkat aku Azwan Ali!!! hahahahahaa...malam tu nama dia Siti!!! hahahahaahaa...as usual..Azwan still Azwan!!! hahahahahahaa....

And aku jumpa kawan lama aku!!! Ning!!! Of course with her lovely husband!! Ning makin kurus and so happy to see her!!!

Aku satu meja dengan Along Exists and wife..and ada sorang kawan lagi..sorry forgot his name...hehhhehehhee.... Well, just the 4 of us and we had a great time enjoy the food by ourselves!!! hahahaahahaa...

Ternampak jugak kelibat Ustaz Akhil Hay...eerrrmm....not bad jugak ustaz ni ehh....sweet and ....... ahaks..korang faham2 sudah...

Lepas dessert aku ke meja Sazi kawan aku dari Astro Production...macam2 cerita keluar hehehheehhe... kat meja tu ada Kak Shahila, Aina, Jue, and Gee....then Abg Ramli MS datang dok bergambar sakan kat meja tu .... kecoh jugak lah tapi aku tak kisah...yang penting aku enjoy berbual dengan Sazi....

Penat berbual aku pun nak pulang ke rumah .... on my way out...jumpa Dee, Que & Linda,Yusry, Norman & Edry,Zubir (bharian) , Faizal (EH) , Marsha, Datuk Yusuf n Datin, Kak Salwa Abd Rahman, AKma dan ramai lagi laa....lama tak jumpa diorang sesekali ada big events barulah nampak batang hidung...heheehehehe...but so happy last night!!! really!!!

Oklah should get back to work!!! Selamat Pengantin Baru Mawi & Ekin, semoga jodoh kekal hingga ke hujung nyawa, and semoga tabah menghadapi apa jua cabaran dalam hidup...amin...

Do you care?

Assalamualaikum,


Sihat? Me? Alhamdulillah..... See!! everytime i start my blog i'll asked u ... how r u? that means i care, right? because this is me...

I can't understand how people have as much apathy as they do. I wish that I could stop caring about things. The casual attitudes towards learning, working, driving, loving, and hundreds of other things amaze me. It's not even that the people have convinced themselves that they shouldn't care, they just never had the thought in their little heads that they should.

They said this should do the trick, accepting it. I'm not sure. I know I'm supposed to let it slide, that's all I'm ever telling myself, go with the flow, roll with the punches, take it as it comes. And I try, I do try. I'm just not sure it's hurting less now.

Time has a way of making it go away, they say. After a while it won't seem as wrong, or as painful, or as strong. I'm still not sure if it makes sense, but how can I say? I guess I haven't accepted it, my mind is still full of likely and surely and that's not how it is.

That's just denial, that's just desperate self-deception, they say. Still. Hush. Stop. I think I like the pain too much to give it up. I think the pain is keeping me here. I think the pain is the pull, because it helps me know I'm alive, even though somewhere else (everywhere else) I'm numb.

Sometimes i wish i could just not care......the more i care about you the more its gonna hurts me.... but do you care?

When my heart speaks......

Part One

Please forgive me....

I'm a fool. I didn't realise that i've fall in love with you..

when u asked me 'did i fall in love with you'

I just realised that i always and i've fall in love with you countlessly...

till i forgot when did the first time i've fall in love with you....

i've fall in love with every inch of your smile

i've fall in love with every moments that's make u happy

i've fall in love with all your sadness

i've fall in love with every song that we've listened

Even if i'm mad and upset with you i'm still falling in love with you

i don't know when i can't fall in love with you again....

and when you ask me to stop falling in love with you....


Part Two

There will a reason why you are not here or may be you won't come...
Could be u never wanna come or you were with someone else at some places..

entahlah

but i'm still here waiting for you...
i've enjoy every minutes of this wait....

While waiting for you, i've been thinking about all the good times we had....

You always look at me and say nothing...... i'm blushing
You always held my hand and hold it tight......i love it
You always make me laugh and cry....... i can't help it

Oh Gosh!! how i missed them all...

and here i am....waiting for that moment....because i know it worth a wait!!!

Everytime i feel so good and it hurts inside...

Assalamualaikum,

I can't do it!!! Really i can't!!! not giving up on love but giving up to take care of you...everytime i show my care for you it will hurts me inside.....

i'm feel intense longing for an undesirable acquaintance with one who might do little more than inflict the deepest of aching, hurt, pain upon my fragile, fickle soul, torn so often by words, the mere movement of anothers lips frightens me now
laest they let slip that which would sting this face with invisible but b r u t a l force..

i've tasted the sweetness that is will always be, my desire pulls me closer to those whom would leave me tangled in thought, struggling, sobbing inevitable, painfully soothing tears

iam an easily dismissed fixture in a life i choose not to understand i want only to be, for those who feel as i have, as i do, my mind the refuge for those tortured aching souls that fell before they reached my arms

i fell hard before i reached yours, it seems unfair that you should have to help me up....

i'm human and i do have feeling........don't take it for granted!!

I wish that i could tell you......

Assalamualaikum,

Apa khabar? i'm recovering....Alhamdulilah...everything's back to normal...

Still can't figure out what's the cause of my headache but its ok at least its gone now...i've to take extra care of myself now..i've started with drinking 1,500ml water everyday... don't know how many glasses it would be but i have to get that water into my body.. i'm afraid dehydration also one of the cause of my severe headache....

Yes..i got severe headache and often gets severe Heartache!!! hahahahaha....my heart been broken for so many times and i've no idea how it looks like now...it did broken into pieces once and i'm slowly fixed it and it broken again and again and again...until i've lost count how many times having a broken heart.So sad ehh? hahahahahaaa yes...i was a girl with a broken heart but i guess its over now.... because i've found my new 'heart'..... This heart will be well taking care of.... insyallah....try not to make any dent. I love my new heart dearly...i know Allah gives me this heart to me so i will not giving up on love...yeah..i almost give up on love..

Alhamdulilah...i'm happy of what i am, i'm happy of what i have, i'm happy with what's around me....i feel like i've been bless...and knowing this new 'heart' is a BLESSING.............i wish i could tell you how i feel...

Grey's Anatomy really hits me!!!

Assalamualaikum,

Sihat? I'm not ok!!! It just 3 days after i've turned 35years old i had severe headache!! and i was sent to HUKM ER....Ya Allah...its so painfull...my head was so freaking painful!!! i felt like i'm gonna die or something...God please help me!!! I don't wanna die!! I got a lot of thing to achieve in my life...i got my family to taking care of...and i got a lot of love to give.... Ya Allah please!!! that's my prayer for the whole day in ER...

It was really scary baby, 1st the doctor suspect i had migrane and but the swelled in my head shows that i need to do the CT Brain (Brain Scan) badly...so i did my CT BRain and Alhamdulilah it was cleared and then the doctors suspect that i'm going to have a minor stroke which they need to take my blood for blood test and heart test ...Alhamdulilah...all cleared...and what's puzzled them was what's the cause of the swelling area on my left head..its really confusing and complicated..i didn't fall or hit anything on my head and nobody hit me anyway....

Until today it still hurts you know...but i have no headache..it just when i want to lay down on my left it will hurts...so i hope this pain will go away soon..

The best part when i was in ER is i've been attending with a lot of young doctors...They really remind me of Grey's Anatomy..hahahahhaa... yeahh..i guess i've watched too much of GA hahahahhaaa....seriously!!!

Its my birthday

Assalamualaikum,

Sihat? Me? Alhamdulilah...

It's my birthday today. A day not unlike the birthdays that I'd have in the last few years. It was just another day, nothing anything special about it other than a number being added to my age. I'd get a present or two, or a card with a bill slipped into it. No cake or balloons.

There was one small difference this year, though. This year I received something from God.He gave me a special friend. He lives far from here, you see. Quite far. And he became a very special friend to me.

He and i had created a sense of closeness, and he and I were close. I shared things with him I wouldn't share with anyone else. I like to think he did the same. When I was lonely, it was he I turned to. Through happiness or sorrow, he was always there. I liked to think he understood me like no other and he taught me immeasurable things, helped me become who I am in so many ways. It was one of those relationships you don't come across frequently in life. Even finding one person that important to you is unusual, I think. I loved him.

You forget sometimes, though. Things in my life became more complicated and busy.

Friends sometimes grow apart, especially those that are so far away. Time goes on and you make other friends. And so many things are changing and you're still becoming a person. We didn't talk as much and when we did it wasn't like before. He'd tell me about his life and I about mine, but they now seemed utterly separate from one another. It's sometimes difficult to have long distance friendships, when you can't share a warm hug or gentle touch or even those comfortable silences.